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Coming out to myself – National Coming Out Day

In honour of National Coming out day I thought I would write about how I came out to myself.

How did I know I was gay?

Well looking back;

When I was in primary school, I was confused as to how people changed who they had a crush on. My best friend at the time would have a crush on Girl A and then something would change and he would have a crush on Girl B. But I didn’t know what that change was or how to distinguish what the difference in feelings where.

In my 10 or 11 year old mind, if you wanted to change who you liked; all you had to do was stay quiet for 2 weeks and then tell everyone who your new crush was. Made sense in my head, thats what everyone else was doing.

But why couldn’t I distinguish the feelings between Girl A and Girl B?

Why was I so interested in who my best friend had a crush on?

Well now I know why don’t I?

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I was gaaaaay, gay gay. I think that was the first time I really started to realise I was different. It was also around the same time that one of the boys took it upon himself to tell me I was going to be a faggot when I grew up… Helpful little guy he was, maybe if I had listened to him I could have saved myself years of questioning.

Probably not though.

guy-2617866_1280I was 14 when I came to a conclusion that I could fix what was wrong with myself. I could rewire my brain to be like everyone else. All I needed to do was tell myself over and over ‘I’m not gay, I’m straight’. Those words are still burned into my brain, I can still hear the way I chanted it over and over in my head during the day and out loud as I went to sleep at night.

Next year I learnt what a fudge packer was. I learnt because Gary (not his real name) started telling the whole grade that I was one and I was disgusting. But I wasn’t, was I? I liked girls I was just like everyone else. Except something inside me knew, no matter how hard I tried to suppress it and be normal… People could tell.

At 16 I had a real girlfriend. She was a year older and everyone said that we would lose our virginities together. Except that was stressful, I started to create my own problems. I oscillated between affection, because thats what I convinced myself I felt and trying to keep her at arms length and prolong the relationship in its early stages. One night she invited me to come to stay the night at her house, her parents where going to be a away and she was going to have a few friends over… I kind of panicked and made an excuse that my parent’s said no (I didn’t even ask them truth be told).

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She ended up cheating on me by dry humping this guy that night. I was “Heart broken”… but interestingly it didn’t really take me that long to get over it. I actually went to her wedding last month and we’re much better as friends.ย I did end up losing my virginity a year later, but thats another story.

I’ve come a long way in my gay journey and I still have a ways to go, but I’ve stopped trying to cloak myself in heteronormativity. These are some of the moments in my life that have really stuck with me and looking back where huge signs or milestones in my journey.

What’s your coming out to yourself story?

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18 thoughts on “Coming out to myself – National Coming Out Day Leave a comment

  1. I was having a conversation with my identical twin brother and it suddenly occurred to the both of us simultaneously “hey, we’re gay!” No thunderbolts or tornadoes or massive wildfires. Neither of us ever looked back. Naked hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. When I was a kid (I’m waaay older than you), the possibility wasn’t really in the air, but I do remember being around ten when the girls started talking about which boys they liked. I couldn’t see why they’d like one over another (they struck me as equally uninteresting) and was convinced they were making it up. I still wonder if, at that age, they were–if it wasn’t something they thought they should feel.

    I didn’t come out till I was 29. Oh, the time I wasted.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I remember the day my younger brother told me he was gay. I’d kind of had a feeling he was since he was about 12 but I can’t explain why, it was just a feeling. From what my mum said there was a lot of worry for him that he’d be rejected by his family. I can’t imagine the anxiety he went through. I remember him texting me (he was 19) and telling me that he was pleased that I was cool with him going out with [name of his boyfriend at the time] even though he’d never officially said the guy was his boyfriend. So, that was his way of coming out to me and I remember crying with happiness because I was glad he felt comfortable to tell us, and more importantly to be himself ๐Ÿ™‚ Good luck on your continuing journey!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I suffered through a lot of anxiety and borderline depression for years trying to come to terms with it. In fact I didn’t tell my parents until I felt strong enough that if they rejected me I would still be ok. Thanks for sharing your story with your brother ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for sharing this part of your story ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like MindOverMeta, my little brother is gay and made his coming out on a 2016 summer night, with just me and our parents.

    I always knew he was hiding something from me… I could feel it, and quite frankly wether he was a shy straight, gay and afraid to tell us about his relationships, bi, or anything else didn’t matter to me, to the point that I didn’t try to guess.

    When he finally opened up to us, I saw him cry for the first time since when we were kids. He was 35 years old at the time. I hugged him, and I thanked him for telling us. The only other thing I could add, was “I’m glad for you, I’m glad you won’t have to act around us, but it doesn’t change a single thing for me.” Because it didn’t, and it still doesn’t.

    I am sorry he had to suffer, and hide for so long, supposedly for our sake.

    Again, thanks for sharing…

    P.S. found your blog through Suzie’s M&G party… and really glad I clicked on your link ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the lovely comment. I think it’s so important to share stories like this. Currently Australia is going through a voluntary postal vote about gay marriage at the moment and it’s been quite hard on the community.
      Hope you like my blog ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • I didn’t know it wasn’t already legal in Australia… I’ll send my best thoughts to support good changes in society in your part of the world!

        As I told my mom, who was a bit afraid for my brother at first… We are lucky to live in one of the best places on earth for so called “different” people (Gawd I hate that word…) Gays, lesbians, trans, bis… Although there will always ignorants and people afraid of difference, I think that people live pretty peacefully here in Montrรฉal…

        I’ll be looking forward to read more a little later (I am also visiting a couple other blogs, to enjoy the “party” to the fullest hihihihi)

        Liked by 1 person

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